Hey Arnold! Season 6: Arnold Actually Visits Arnie For Real This Time
by Cre8ivelybankrupt87
Summary: Stella insists on visiting her family in the country, including her nephew the infamous Arnie. What could possibly go wrong? Virtually everything, naturally.
1. Cold Reunions

_**For the next installment following 'Miriam Under the Table,' Helga spends her first weekend living with the Shortmans on an unexpected and very unwanted trip to the countryside to visit Stella's sister... the mother of the infamous Arnie. **_

* * *

Cruising towards an open horizon, a green Packard maneuvered through traffic past the city limits as stalks of crops gradually replaced buildings along the country road. The car zoomed past a sign reading 'You are now exiting Hillwood' with the words 'That's on you.' graffitied underneath. Despite the ominous and anonymous warning, this little journey was the willful decision of Miles and Stella Shortman, who had spent more time in the big city in the past year than they had in more than a decade, and that left them feeling eager to get away from it all for a while.

The husband and wife pair sat in the front seat of the family Packard, both smiling and admiring the wide open spaces, as two kids sat quietly behind them.

"Feels nice to escape from the city for a change." Miles said contentedly. "I was starting to feel a little claustrophobic."

Stella sat with her head practically out of the window, enjoying the wind blowing through her hair.

"Agreed. Nothing like a little fresh air." she said, and then inhaled deeply only to be put off by the overpowering smell of cow manure, "And that's nothing like a little fresh air…" she retched in disgust.

"I hope your sister's town doesn't smell so… natural…" Miles said as he rolled up his window. "Still, I guess it's not like the smell of the rain forest, but at least it's different from the city."

"Yeah. It'll be nice to see her after all this time… I don't think I've seen her since… oh, before we were married." she sighed, "We always used to dream of leaving the country and going off to see the world when we were little girls… but I guess she'll always be a country girl at heart."

"Well, I bet she'll be excited to hear about everything you've been up to since then." Miles said.

"Yeah. Thanks for making this happen, it means a lot. And it sure was nice of your dad to let us borrow the Packard for the weekend." Stella said contentedly.

"Yeah…" Miles said peacefully, but then his tone suddenly shifted to concern, "Do you think I should have asked him first?"

Stella gave him a look, but then laughed.

"Ha, good one." she said.

"Yeah…" Miles said with a forced smile, "Good one… because I'm uh, I'm joking… yeah… uh, hey Arnold?" He called back to his son seated in the back. Arnold turned his head away from the window and looked at his father.

"Yeah, dad?" he asked.

"You're awfully quiet." Miles noted, "You excited?"

Arnold shrugged, "Sure, I guess."

"When was the last time you went out to visit Arnie?" Stella asked.

"Uh…" Arnold fumbled, "I uh, almost did once but… it didn't quite work out. I've never actually been out here. He came to visit us once and that was… interesting."

"I bet he's very interesting. I can't wait to meet him." Stella said, then she turned her attention to the girl sitting in the other passenger seat next to Arnold. She was wearing a trench coat pulled up to cover her mouth and nose, with only her eyes visible poking out from under a fedora atop her head. She hadn't said a word since they had left the boarding house, and Stella assumed she must have just been feeling sad as of late. Owing to their crumbling home life, her parents were allowing her to stay with the Shortmans at the boarding house for the time being. That didn't explain her strange choice of clothes however.

"And you're being especially quiet, Helga." Stella noted, "We're glad you could join us this weekend."

Helga didn't respond.

"Helga?" Stella asked again, sounding concerned.

"I know not this Helga of whom you speak," Helga said, speaking in a low gruff voice, and putting on some strange unplaceable accent.

Stella looked at the girl strangely.

"My name is uh… Betsy D. Flotsam. I'm your uh… exchange student here from Baghdakistan." Helga insisted.

Half concerned and half annoyed, Stella looked at Miles and said, "I think she's been spending a little too much time around your mother. She's lost in character…"

Arnold chuckled lightly as Helga just sat fuming.

"Helga and Arnie have a little bit of a…. history." he started to explain.

"No we don't!" Helga snapped back to normal, as her hat flew off and blew out the window, "That was completely one-sided! Hey look! There's a nice motel… how about you guys just leave me here and you can just grab me on the way back?"

Stella glanced over to see a shoddy and very seedy looking motel with neon lights reading, 'Bed and Regret.' She then turned back to Helga and frowned.  
"Oh, no need to be shy Helga." she said reassuringly, "I haven't seen my sister in more than ten years, I don't really know what to expect either, but I'm excited."

"Oh I have a pretty good idea of what to expect…" Helga muttered, "And it is the stuff of nightmares, I tell you…"

Arnold nodded quietly. If his own nightmares were any indication Helga wasn't far off the mark.

A few uneventful hours later, the Packard at last exited the country road onto a dirt road leading towards an old grey farmhouse, secluded from any other sign of civilization. Only stalks of grain and bales of hay surrounded the bumpy dirt road. Arnold glanced around with an odd look in his eye. He had never actually been out here, but he had once dreamt that he had, or at least what started as a dream and ended nightmarishly. He didn't remember everything in his dream perfectly, but so far the overall impression was eerily similar.

When the car reached the house, the group stepped out and stretched their arms, all tired and stiff from the long drive. Stella took a look at the house and smiled. Before anyone else could say a word, Helga broke the silence.

"Well, see you all later." Helga waved at them as she stomped off in the opposite direction of the farmhouse.

"Helga?" Stella called after her, "Where are you going?"

"Oh there's bound to be some charming country B and B in town that I can go check into." Helga said, "Plenty of local color to soak up around town, I can't just hang around here. Just page me when the vacation's all over and-"

"Oh come on," Stella urged, "This is going to be fun. Trust me, I grew up out here. We'll have a great time here together."

"You know? On principle I tend to do just the opposite whenever someone says 'trust me.'" Helga muttered. Seeing how far they were from any other sign of civilization however, she did seem to realize she was stuck and gave up on trying to slip away. Crossing her arms she just hunched over and adopted a pouty face.

Arnold meanwhile surveyed the scene. A forbidding feeling of familiarity came over him as he approached the rustic farm house. Everything about it looked the same as it appeared in his nightmare, from the porch to the weathervane, and even a small red tractor parked on the dirt road. Next to the porch he could see a patch of sunflowers, and in front of it a small patch of mud. Those things all seemed fairly standard for a farm however, so he didn't feel the need to panic yet.

"At least there's no…" Arnold started to say to himself, but then from around the corner of the house an enormous grey sow waddled into view. The mere sight of the bulbous swine caused Arnold to jump back and gasp in terror. Helga took immediate notice of his reaction.

"You of all people, afraid of pigs?" Helga snickered.

"Just certain ones…" Arnold said.

"I guess this one is a little bigger… and uglier… and smellier than yours." Helga said as she and the pig glared at one another momentarily, "But hey, guess that means fresh farm bacon."

Arnold looked at Helga, and realized she was still wearing her trench coat. He gave her a half smile.

"You're not actually going to keep wearing that, are you?" he asked, as he took off his own jacket and held it under his arm, "It's got to be in the high eighties out here."

"It is a little hot out here, true…" Helga sighed, "Fortunately, I came with a backup disguise, for that exact reason."

She abruptly pulled off her coat to reveal she had adopted a slightly different style of outfit than she typically wore. Rather than her usual pink jumper, she now wore a pink jumpsuit, and a white shirt with a frilly collar. Arnold's eyes widened as this slight change of appearance suddenly reminded him of something else from his nightmare.

"Um… that's…" Arnold tried to speak.

"Yeah, I know." Helga said, "It needs a little something extra… I know. I'll just make a slight adjustment to my hair here…"

Helga pulled off her usual pink bow and pulled from her pocket a pink scrunchy which she used to pull her hair up into a high ponytail. Now Arnold felt fairly alarmed.

"How do I look?" she asked, "Be honest."

"Helga, that's… really creepy…" Arnold said softly.

Helga looked herself over and shrugged, "I didn't think it was that bad… but hey if it turns off the little dweeb than it'll be worth it. And don't call me Helga, refer to me as-"

"I'm not calling you 'Hilda.'" Arnold said firmly as he shook his head.

"Hilda?" Helga asked, "Who mentioned anything about 'Hilda'? I told you before, I'm Betsy D. Flotsam, got it?"

Arnold nodded, "Sure… sorry, it's just that you look a lot like a girl I met here last time…"

"I thought you said you'd never been here before?" Helga asked.

"No I have not…" Arnold said cryptically, "Or at least I hope I haven't…"

"You know, maybe you and Arnie really aren't all that different…" she said quietly, "You little weirdos…"

"Come on kids!" Miles shouted from atop the porch, and Arnold and Helga reluctantly headed towards him and the farmhouse.

Arnold and Helga tiptoed up the porch steps to where Miles and Stella stood, looking quite eager whereas the two kids looked as if they'd rather be anywhere else. Stella found the doorbell, pressed the button, and not a sound followed.  
"Maybe it's broken." Miles said.

"Oh well, guess they're not home. Let's go." Helga said as she turned around.

"Oh wait, maybe it's this one…" Miles said, pointing to a large triangle dinner bell hanging on the porch. He grabbed the handle and loudly sounded the bell, which rang out so loudly Arnold and Helga had to cover their ears. Suddenly the large pig began squealing loudly and they could hear other animals in the distance crying out in surprise and alarm.

Suddenly the front door burst open to reveal a woman looking alarmed and disturbed by the ringing bell. When she saw the people standing on the porch she became relieved, but not terribly happy. Her appearance took the group, save for Stella, completely off guard. Had they not known they were visiting the woman's sister, they could have sworn Stella had bleached her hair and was now standing before them. Stella's sister was similarly tall and lean, with a physiognomy uncannily similar to Stella's, and the only real difference being her light blonde hair. At a second glance, they noticed she didn't quite share the soft and kindly expression Stella usually wore, and looked somewhat cold and distant, accentuated by her ice blue eyes. She smiled at them nonetheless, though not in a welcoming way.

"Well, well, well." she said at last, "You know that bell signals an air raid around here, baby sister."

"Oops…" Miles said and grinned sheepishly.

Stella stepped towards her sister with open arms, who in turn just placed her hands on her hips in response.

"More than ten years and not so much as a phone call?" she asked, as she crossed her arms, "What have you been doing, sis?"

"Oh you know." Stella laughed, as she enveloped her in a hug. "Lost in the jungle, as they say. Everyone, this is my sister Luna."

Luna looked at the group with the same icy expression, and made them all feel distinctly unwelcome.

"Hello Luna." Miles said eagerly, "I've heard all about you. Sorry you couldn't make it to our wedding, I'd loved to have met you sooner than now but I-"

"Yes, well most people have the sense to hold their weddings somewhere a little more accessible than… where did you say it was? Santa Barbara?" Luna asked, "Flying out there wasn't exactly in the cards for us."

Stella smiled forcibly as Miles and Arnold looked at one another uncomfortably. Helga all the while had been staring at Luna in bewilderment. She'd sooner have expected the pig rolling in the mud to have been Arnie's mother than this woman. Luna may have seemed to be about as warm and fuzzy as an icicle, but she seemed about as sharp as one too which surprised Helga. How Luna could have produced a kid as uniquely numb as Arnie baffled Helga.

"_That's_ Arnie's mom?" Helga blurted, "Geez, what happened, did you just drop him as a baby? Like five or six time-"

"Helga…" Arnold quietly shushed her.

Not hearing Helga's last comment, Luna turned to her side and gestured as a man came into view.

"This is Myron." Luna introduced her husband who appeared at her side.

Before them now stood a man with a very vacant expression. His face was long and gaunt, roughly the shape of a banana, with a very distinctive jutting chin. His eyes were very close together and despite looking in their direction they may as well have been looking at nothing. He wore a plaid shirt with overalls and a very small trucker hat with tufts of his hair poking out on either side. As he blinked his eyelids closed out of sync, and he gave a sudden phlegmy snort.

"Hey." he said in a dull voice.

"Ah." Helga said quietly, "There we go. That explains things."

"Hi there, Myron." Miles stuck out his hand, "I'm Miles."

"Hey." Myron said in the same monotone voice as he limply shook Miles' hand.

"Good to finally meet the other luckiest guy in the world." he said jovially, "Stella's sister is every bit as lovely as I would've expected." He smiled at Luna who just raised an eyebrow in return.

"Well, you're quite the charmer." she said, clearly unimpressed, then she turned to Stella, "I suppose someone as… unorthodox and unconventional as yourself would have to end up with someone so… similar."

Stella, Miles and the kids all looked at one another in confusion. Luna's attitude made her odd duck of a husband seem soulful and friendly by comparison.

"Hi Aunt Luna." Arnold said with a friendly smile, trying to relieve some of the growing awkward tension.

Luna looked at her nephew with a cold dead eyed and somewhat hostile glare.

"Ah yes, Arnold." Luna said, still not breaking with her icy tone, "I've heard so much about you from Arnie. He says you're… quite the golden boy."  
Arnold shrugged uncomfortably, "Well, I don't know about that…"

"And who's the girl?" Luna asked, "You didn't tell me you had a daughter too."

Arnold glanced at Helga and snickered, but stopped when she shot him a dirty look.  
"Oh, this is Hel-." Stella started to say by was cut off as Helga loudly cleared her throat.

"Uh, Betsy, nice to met ya." Helga interjected.

"Uh, right, Betsy…" Stella said wryly, "She's a friend of Arnold's. Sorry, didn't I say she was coming with us?"

"Maybe, I don't remember," Luna shrugged, "It's fine, there's room."

Arnold glanced around, then asked, "So, where is Arnie anyway?"

"Here." Arnie's voice suddenly appeared from behind Arnold and Helga, causing Helga to scream and leap into Arnold's arms.

"How long have you been standing there?" she shrieked.

"Three and a half minutes." Arnie said in his eerie monotone voice, which they now knew he got from his father, "I counted." he added.

"Uh, still big into counting, huh?" Arnold said uncomfortably.

"Yeah." Arnie said, and then snorted loudly, as his father and the pig down in the mud pit followed suit.

"I taught him all the numbers he knows." Myron said, before snorting again.

"Blow your nose, for the love of…" Luna groaned, "Well, come on in. We've got the guest room ready… I guess you'll want to be unpacking."

Stella and Miles looked at one another. The look in Stella's eyes cried out 'I want to leave now… but we can't…' while Miles seemed oddly excited to be here now.

"Sure." Miles said, "Just show us the way."

"Arnie, be a dear and give your cousin a little hand." Luna urged.  
"Kay." Arnie said, taking Arnold's jacket and leaving him with his suitcase, "Let's go." He gestured for them to follow, as he headed down the porch steps.

"What?" Arnold asked, "Not… inside?"

"We only have one guest room." Luna said, "I had Arnie fix up the guest house for you. Should be all right for the night." She then turned and walked inside with the other adults.

"Guest house?" Helga asked with some surprise enthusiasm, "Nice. We're moving up in the world."

After a short walk past a fenced in cow pasture, when the three kids reached the supposed guest house, Helga's enthusiasm abruptly vanished. She and Arnold surveyed what looked more like a few boards of wood poorly nailed together than a house.

"That's the guest house?" Helga asked, "That's not an outhouse?"  
"No. It was a henhouse." Arnie said, "The outhouse is an acre that way." He gestured, "If you ever need it."

"Great…" Helga grumbled.

Arnold looked back and forth between Arnie and Helga, wondering if Helga thought her disguise was fooling him, and similarly if Arnie was in fact fooled. He wasn't notorious for his sharp intellect so it was possible he was fooled, and in retrospect she had once fooled Arnold himself with an almost equally unconvincing disguise on Valentines Day. Arnie didn't seem to be paying Helga any mind which pointed to the answer that her disguise was working.

"Um, Arnie? I suppose you're wondering why my… friend is here with us?" Arnold asked.

"No." Arnie said flatly as he shrugged his shoulders. "I'll let you two get settled. I think I got most of the hens out of there. Let me know if you find more."

And with that Arnie turned and headed back towards the farmhouse, leaving Helga and Arnold blinking in surprise.

"You actually fooled him, I guess." Arnold said.

"I'm a master thespian, as you know." Helga said smugly. "That or he's planning to come back and axe you in your sleep to get to me."

Arnold gulped at the mere thought.

"Kidding, kidding." Helga reassured him, "He's a sad little freak of nature but I don't think he's… say, what's up with your mom and aunt anyway?"

"I don't know…" Arnold shrugged, "Mom said they weren't really much alike as kids, but she made it sound like they were on good terms."

"Guess that was her interpretation." Helga sighed, then asked, "So how is it you've met your cousin… but not your aunt and uncle, anyway?"

Arnold shrugged again, asking, "All the things about my life that don't make sense, and _that's_ what stands out to you?"

"Yep." Helga said, "I find your parents waking up from a decade old magical sleeping illness in the jungle more believable. Come on, let's go tip some cattle or something."

* * *

_**I guess the general fan conjecture is that Arnie comes from Stella's side of the family, since Grandpa Phil doesn't seem to have any sort of affection for the kid and only refers to him as Arnold's cousin, and not his own grandkid. And I guess he looks more like Stella than anyone on Miles' side, and thus have I created her sister and Arnold's aunt Luna. Thank you to HAFanForever for coming up with her name, I was originally going to call her Ella... and then she and Stella would have memories of their father getting their names wrong, but I think Luna was a better idea. So what's her deal? Why is she so passive aggressive and hostile towards Stella? Does Arnie see through Helga's disguise? Find out as the saga unfolds… oh, favorite and review of course.**_


	2. Dinner and a Show

_**What weirdness and passive aggression shall ensue now...**_

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Upstairs in the farmhouse, Luna showed Miles and Stella to their guest room. It was a modest little dwelling, with a single lightbulb hanging from the ceiling, and mostly empty white walls save for a small painting of an empty field. At least it had a double bed, they noted privately.

"I'm sure it's not as luxurious as what you cosmopolitan types are used to, but it should do for a few days." Luna said.

"It's just perfect." Stella said, then reminisced happily, "Almost reminds me of our room, back at Dad's old farm…"

"I will say that bed looks real inviting after that drive." Miles said.

After setting down his suitcase he slumped down on his back atop the bed, and abruptly sank into it about a foot deep. It wasn't a waterbed but the mattress may as well have been quicksand.

"Whoa… it's so… soft…" he said flatly.

Stella giggled, "That's my Miles." she said as she turned to Luna, "It's just so great to see you again, Luna. Sorry for ghosting you for so long, but just wait until you hear what we-"

"Uh huh, great." Luna said dispassionately, "You got here later than we expected. Dinner should be ready soon."  
"Oh, great!" Stella said, "Need any help in the kitchen with-"  
"I'm perfectly capable." Luna answered, as she turned to leave, "You just finish settling in."

"Well, okay. I don't have to help but…" Stella said, trying to sound excited, "I could just come down and talk to you… we've got so much catching up to do."

"You're here all weekend." Luna said as she walked away, "Let's not run out of things to talk about in the first hour, or we won't be able to stand each other by tomorrow."

Stella watched in dismay as her sister headed down the stairs back to the kitchen. She sighed but then furrowed her brow and pounded her fist against her palm.

"No… we're going to have a good, wholesome family reunion this weekend… and it'll be so amiable and heartwarming it'll make her puke…" she growled through her teeth.

"Um, Stella?" she heard Miles say in a muffled voice.

She turned around to see he had sunk even deeper into the bed, and only his hand was visible as he waved at her for help.

"Could you throw me a rope or something?" he asked, "I can't get out…"

Meanwhile back at the prefab structure Arnold had to call home for the weekend, he set down his suitcase having just talked Helga out of tipping cows. Their hosts had made up two beds for them, which looked more like a couple of animal troughs with sheets and pillows, which is exactly what they were so it made sense. Arnold hadn't exactly expected much enjoyment to come out of this trip, but he'd at least hoped his relatives would be just a tad more hospitable than this.

Helga seemed to share his sentiments, as she griped, "So much for southern hospitality."

Arnold grinned at her, "We're still in the Pacific Northwest." he said.

"Country, south, it's all the same." Helga said, "Besides, we're south of Hillwood, so it counts."

"Kinda feels like camping again." Arnold said, trying to remain positive, "Just roughing it out here in the middle of nowhere? Except…" he grinned at her and offered her his hand, "Except I guess it's just us…"

"Yeah, but with the fun looming threat of your creepy kin." Helga giggled.

"Oh he's not that bad, really." Arnold said. "I know Arnie comes across a little… different, but he's perfectly-"

A loud phlegmy snort from behind Arnold gave him a start and caused him to jump into Helga's arms in his terror.

"Settled?" Arnie asked, having appeared from nowhere.

"We were…" Helga said, as she dropped Arnold to the wooden floor.

"Dinner is in fifteen minutes." Arnie said dispassionately, before turning to leave again.

When he disappeared from sight Helga asked, "Can we tie a bell on him? He's even better at sneaking up than you… or Brainy for that matter."

Arnold chuckled, "Do you think he'd notice?"

"Probably not." Helga said, "And if he did, what would he care? He'd probably just be happy counting the chimes with every step he took."  
Arnold laughed aloud, starting to feel at ease again. Unlike his previous dream visit to Arnie's home, he at least wasn't alone, and Helga as usual managed to raise his spirits with her sharp humor. His laughter however caught Arnie's attention as he walked away. The typically impassive boy turned back in Arnold and Helga's direction and snorted.

When Arnold and Helga made it back to the farmhouse, they walked into the kitchen to find the adults and Arnie all sitting around the dinner table. All heads turned in their direction as they walked in. For whatever other issues they were having with their accommodations and hosts, the food looked and smelled delicious at least.

"How nice of you to join us." Luna said insincerely.

Arnold scratched the back of his neck, "Sorry, it's just a bit of a walk from the chicken coop- uh, guest house."

"Chicken what?" Miles asked.

"What a polite and grateful young man, you have there, sis." Luna said, with a less than subtle undercurrent of sarcasm in her tone.

Stella shot her sister a look and the others fell quiet. For whatever reason, Luna had been trying to push her sister's buttons since she arrived, but Stella just smiled in return, refusing to give in.

"Come on kids," she said and beckoned for Arnold and Helga to join them.

As Arnold pulled out a chair and gestured for Helga to sit down. To his surprise she glared at him angrily as she took her seat, and he quickly realized he had offered her a seat right next to Arnie without thinking. Arnold could do little more than smile awkwardly, not wishing to make this family gathering any more uncomfortable than it already was. At least Arnie didn't seem to even notice her, as he was off in his own world pointing at and counting the peas on his plate.

"Uh, wow." Arnold said, "Smells great."

Helga made a grab for her fork eagerly, as Miles and Stella too began cutting their roast beef, when Luna's head snapped in their direction.

"Just going to dive right in?" Luna asked in disdain, "Not even going to wait for us to say grace?"

Helga dropped her fork as Miles and Stella looked at one another in slight embarrassment, whereas Arnold just looked confused.

"Well alright." Miles said with a smile, "Our mistake. Go ahead."

"It's all right." Luna said, "We have our traditions out here, but I guess that's just not a thing you do in the city, huh?"

She gestured as her husband and son all linked hands together, prompting Miles and Stella to do likewise. Arnold looked at Helga and smiled, taking her hand in his. Helga rolled her eyes, and then looked to her left where Arnie's hand awaited hers. With a deep breath she reluctantly took his hand and looked upwards, privately praying for death before the others could begin their prayer.

"Arnie?" Luna looked at her son, "Would you lead us?"

"Kay." Arnie said, "We give thanks for the many blessings we have been given, which are too many to count, but let me count them all anyway-"

"Amen." Luna cut him off.

Without missing a beat Arnie and his father began shoveling potatoes into their mouths, splattering gravy on their faces in the process. Luna watched her husband and son and rolled her eyes with slight disgust. Miles and Stella resumed cutting up their roast beef, and Helga who had been famished a moment ago now felt her appetite considerably lessened by Arnie and Myron's loud chewing. Arnold took a bite of roast beef and nodded approvingly.

"Wow… this is really good, Aunt Luna." he said.

"Nothing special." Luna said, "I imagine you're more used to fancier dishes… beef tartare or some such thing."

Arnold shrugged, "I uh… I did have that once but… I'd take a cheeseburger over that any day."

Luna smirked at him, and said, "Well, sorry this is only roast beef and not a cheeseburger."

Arnold sank into his chair, unsure of how he kept offending his aunt. Everyone else at the table seemed reluctant to get any conversation going, but he felt compelled to try. He looked over at Arnie who was still stuffing his face in a mechanical fashion.

"So uh… what do you do for fun around here?" Arnold asked him.

"Milk cows." Arnie said, "And count them."

"He asked what do you do for fun." Helga said, "Not work…"

"Sometimes we count the hay." Myron added.

"Counting… the haystacks?" Stella asked.

"No." Myron said, still shoveling food in his mouth and speaking while chewing, "Every straw in a stack."

"Wow… that's… dedication." Stella said.

"Yeah, the hours must just fly by…" Helga snickered.

"Ever find a needle in the haystack?" Miles asked sounding oddly eager.

"No." Myron answered.  
"Well, there's a first time for everything. We could try later." Miles suggested. "I'm game."

"Kay." Myron said.

Stella smiled, pleased by her husband's enthusiasm to relate to Myron. She looked at Luna who wasn't eating but just sipping a glass of wine and looking at the others with judgmental eyes.

"Ah the hay…" Stella said with fond memories in her voice, "Feels like a lifetime ago that we were just kids on the farm… you showing me how to swing from the rope off the loft into that big hay pile in the barn…"

Helga whispered to Arnold, "Guess that had to pass for fun before video games were invented…"

Luna smiled slightly for just a moment, but quickly resumed her cold expression.

"Ah yes." She said, "I'm surprised you even remember any of that. You always wanted to get out into the world. Go off and spread free healthcare or some such thing."

Stella gave her a half smile and said, "I seem to remember you wanted to move to the city to become a fashion model."

"Yes, well we all have delusions of grandeur when we're young." Luna said, "But most of us grow out of those."

"Tried that once. Fashion modeling." Helga said, "Wasn't great. You didn't miss much."

Luna smiled at her, "Good. Glad you're aiming low already at your age."

Feeling unable to defuse the tension, everyone continued eating in silence from that point onward. Arnold looked at his parents and saw his mother's discomfort was slowly starting to show, whereas his father was reacting to everything with puppy dog zeal and eagerness. Arnie and his father were periodically snorting loudly, causing Helga to twitch every time as she tried in vain to eat her dinner. When all but Miles had finished their meals, he took his last few bites and wiped his mouth with a napkin. He then smiled warmly at Luna.

"Luna, that was the best meal I've had in a long time." he complimented, "So, what's next?"

"Let's go count the hay." Myron said.

"Cool." Miles said with genuine childlike enthusiasm, to everyone else's surprise.

The two men got up from the table and headed out the door towards the barn. Luna then looked at her son who was reading a bottle of tabasco.

"Red peppers, vinegar, salt… it's a short read…"

"Then why don't you take Arnold and Betsy into town and go see a movie, Arnie?" she asked.

"Kay." Arnie said.

"What's playing?" Arnold asked.

"Evil Twin IV." Arnie said.

Helga looked at Arnie and shivered.

"You know, that franchise is running on creative fumes in my opinion, and I'm a little tired so I might just call it a night." she said, "You two go ahead… have fun."

Arnold looked at her with pleading eyes, but he understood her desire to keep Arnie at a distance. Being a selfless sucker, Arnold decided he could take the fall for her this time. The two of them silently agreed this was the best course of action.

"Oh good, you can stay and help with the dishes." Luna said to Helga.

Helga's face sank in response, but decided that an evening spent among dirty dishes was a step up from one spent with Arnie.

"You… sure you'll be okay here Hel- um, Betsy?" Arnold asked.

"Quite sure." Helga smiled, "After all, I have you to thank for this lovely little country excursion. How better to thank you than letting you spend some quality time with your favorite cousin?"

Helga quickly began gathering the dishes and carried them over to the sink in the adjacent room as Arnold turned to Arnie and smiled uncomfortably. The two boys got up and headed out the door. Now only Stella, Luna and Helga remained in the house and none of the tension had dissipated.  
"So uh… Myron is a real handsome hunk." Stella said awkwardly, "And Arnie seems like a… really, um… mathematically inclined young man."

"Ah yes." Luna said, swirling her wine glass, "And your family is every bit as perfect as I would have expected for you. Dad would just be so proud."

Helga listened in from the kitchen as she scrubbed dishes, sensing the animosity between Stella and Luna could rival that of her and Olga.

Having trudged down the dirt road together, Arnold and Arnie surveyed the long country road that appeared to lead to nowhere.

"Here's main street." Arnie said.

Arnold glanced back and forth. The closest thing to civilization he could see were telephone poles.  
"There's… no town here?" he said.

"Downtown is that way." Arnie pointed, "Two miles, three yards, a foot, and nine inches." He paused to snort, "Let's go."

Arnold sighed and headed down the road with his cousin, still wishing Helga was joining them. He feared that walking down a lonely country road with Arnie would be completely void of any meaningful conversation, and full of passive aggression. They walked down the road and passed their fathers who were taking inventory of one of the bales of hay. Arnold waved but neither man seemed to notice him.

"Three hundred forty… three hundred forty one… three hundred forty two…" Myron meticulously counted every single tiny strand of hay in the pile as Miles just watched in amazement.

"That really is kind of amazing, Myron." he said, "How do you do it?"

"Oh it's all down to practice." Myron said, "But you made me lose count. I'll have to start over. One… two…"

Miles shook his head and smiled.  
"Ah this really is a nice escape." he said, "I've had a particularly complicated life, and just hanging out in the country while counting the hay might sound interminably boring, but I think it's great."

"I lost count again." Myron said.

"Right, sorry." Miles said, "Here, you count while I search for that needle."

"Kay." Myron said, "One… two… three…"

At the farmhouse, Helga had finished washing dishes and discretely pretended to leave, only to have snuck over to a hiding place outside the dinning room window to listen in on Luna and Stella's conversation. She put a hand to her ear as the two sisters conversed, or bickered rather.  
"You really expect me to believe that?" Luna asked, "You flying off to live in Mexico is one thing…"

"Central America…" Stella said with some irritation.  
"Don't correct me." Luna snipped, "But you really expect me to believe you were somehow asleep out in the jungle for ten years?"

"Well it's… the truth." Stella sighed.

"Yes, well while you were off living your little fairy tale we've been struggling to keep this farm going." Luna said.

Stella shrugged, "It looks like you've got this place running smoothly."

"Yes, no thanks to you." Luna said.

"Luna…" Stella said firmly, "I've… really missed you…"

Luna's icy expression seemed to thaw just a bit, as Stella's warmth finally got through her guarded exterior.

"Then… why not so much as a postcard?" Luna asked softly.

"Miles and I just… we had a lot on our plates." Stella said, "If you don't believe the sleeping sickness part of the story, you'll never believe what it was like having Arnold…"

Luna smirked, "Oh yeah? Try me."

Helga was still listening in from outside when suddenly a low snort from behind startled her. She spun around and saw the enormous sow from earlier standing just behind her, which gave her enough of a scare to cause her to scream and jump up through the dinning room window. She tumbled to the floor before Stella and Luna, who looked at her in surprise.

"Helga?" Stella asked.

Luna looked at Stella in confusion, "I thought you said her name was Betsy?"

"Uh, that's what I meant… those names are just so similar." Stella said.

"Uh… hi there. Don't mind me, I just forgot my uh… thing." Helga stumbled, "Oh there it is…" Reaching down to the floor she grabbed at nothing and held up her fist.

"Got your… thing?" Stella asked.

"Uh huh." Helga smiled forcibly, "Now if you'll excuse me I'll just mosey on back to my henhouse for the night. Don't wait up."

Helga then leapt back out through the window from which she had entered, bouncing off the pig and running away as it began to chase her.

"Weird kid." Luna said, "And I should know. I spawned Arnie."

Stella chuckled, as did Luna. The two of them looked at one another and smiled awkwardly. They hadn't yet fully confronted whatever issues were boiling beneath the surface of their relationship, but they both felt they had at least started to make amends. Still, as their smiles faded they both realized they had a long uncomfortable road ahead of them.

On a similar long uncomfortable road, by the time Arnold and Arnie had arrived in town, the sun had begun to wane. The small downtown area was still visible in the dim light, and Arnold once again couldn't help but note how eerily similar it felt to the vision in his dream of this place. They walked past a country store, flower shop and bank before reaching the Odeon Theater. Neither Arnold nor Arnie had said two words since they had left the farmhouse, and the silence had been uncomfortable, but Arnold felt somewhat comforted at not having come across any weird inverse doppelgängers of his friends from home. In fact, the town seemed even emptier than he had once dreamt. He could count on his hands the number of people they had crossed, but didn't make any mention of it for fear that Arnie actually would start counting the number of people they encountered.

To make things even more awkward, the two cousins were the only souls in the movie theater for the evening showing of Evil Twin IV. The movie was on parr with the rest of the series, and didn't inspire any terror in Arnold as he had far more scary things in real life to worry about. Whenever he glanced at Arnie however he noticed that Arnie looked even less engaged than usual. He quietly wondered to himself if Arnie suspected who 'Betsy' really was, and moreover what she was doing out here with him.

"So, uh... got a lot of friends in this town?" Arnold asked.

"Some." Arnie said.

"Weird question but, anyone named Gerard or Stumpy or... Hilda?" Arnold asked.

"No." Arnie said with a snort.

"Alright then." Arnold said with an awkward smile, then asked, "Do you uh... have a girlfriend?"

"No." Arnie said plainly.

Arnold nodded. Of all the weird inverse versions of his friends in Hillwood he had dreamt up, Lulu was the last one he wanted to be real. In his dream, she had been some twisted evil version of his former crush Lila. Lula was Arnie's girlfriend in the dream, but she was making several unwanted advances on Arnold himself. With the benefit of hindsight he now read this as his subconsciousness telling him that Lila may not be the girl for him, and that a certain other pink wearing blonde might be. The dream eventually ended with Arnie accusing him of trying to steal his girlfriend and abruptly turning monstrous and trying to fight him. Arnold now constantly had to remind himself that the dream wasn't real and Arnie's only crime was being dull as a doorknob.

The movie came and went, and the two cousins walked home across the country road in the dark illuminated but the moonlight, which despite the rather creepy atmosphere passed by without incident, or any conversation between them. Arnold at least felt relieved that this visit wasn't going down the same weird bizarro world route as in his dream. Arnold looked at his cousin and pondered. Arnie wasn't terribly friendly, but despite his anti-social behavior he at least wasn't unkind. Arnold tried to think of some way to form a bond with him that didn't involve lint collecting or reading ingredients. There had to be a way to get Arnie to open himself up to new things, but Arnold had no idea how to achieve that. When they at last reached the farmhouse again Arnold broke the silence.

"I uh… guess I'll see you tomorrow, Arnie." he said, "Thanks for hanging out."

"Kay." Arnie said without a shred of emotion in his voice, as he headed inside the farmhouse.

Arnold sighed and walked back to the dilapidated shack that he was expected to sleep in. He found Helga inside, lying on one of the so-called beds and snoring loudly. Arnold climbed into his own sleeping trough and closed his eyes. Thanks to the long walk, the total lack of comfort the bed provided didn't dissuade him from falling asleep quickly, despite his dread for whatever the rest of the weekend would bring.

* * *

_**There's a lot of contradiction in the actual series, with the sun both rising and setting over the ocean and some other little hints here and there, but I think the majority of the clues point to Hillwood being in Washington state, or at least some vague Pacific Northwest location.**_

_**Don't ask me what part of my brain Miles and Myron counting shreds of hay came from, because I don't know.**_

_**I just intended for Stella and Luna to be opposites but I'm surprising even myself at just how cold and bitter Luna is turning out… don't worry. She has her reasons and we'll get into that soon, I promise.**_

_**Like and comment! Or Arnie will find you...**_


	3. Going Native

_**Maybe today will go better. Maybe Luna's icy heart will thaw, Arnie will come out of his shell (not sure if that's a good thing or not) and maybe that giant pig will sprout wings too.**_

* * *

Rather than the crowing rooster he had expected, Arnold awoke to the sound of an odd thumping sound, followed by what sounded like clapping. As he gradually came to, he noticed Helga's head rising and falling out of sight. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, and then saw that she was doing clap pushups on the floor.

"85… 86… 87…" she quietly counted to herself, then turned her head to see Arnold rising, "Oh good." she said, slightly out of breath, "You're up. Way to bail on me last night."

"Me?" Arnold asked in confusion, "You told me to go spend time with Arnie… and you wanted to stay here because you were tired."

"Oh let's not fuss over the details of who said what." Helga panted, "I was worried you were gonna sleep in. I so dreaded the prospect of facing your family alone for breakfast."

"Hard to stay sleeping with you doing that…" Arnold yawned.

"Hey, gotta stay in peak physical condition for whatever your nutty relatives have in store for us." she said, still continuing her workout regimen, then at last she finished her counting, "99… 100. Whew." She stood up, felt her bicep and smiled in satisfaction.

"Do you always do that in the morning?" Arnold asked.

"How do you think I'm able to kick anyone and everyone's butt?" she asked, "I'm not superhuman or anything. This? This takes work. Look at that." She kissed her own bicep and grinned, "Solid as a rock."

"How was your evening?" he asked.

"Well after listening in on your mom and aunt's scintillating heart-to-heart and getting chased all over the farmyard by that freaking pig, I was pretty beat and just turned in before sundown." she said nonchalantly, "It's a change in pace for sure, but I'll take all this over hanging out with Bob and Miriam in that store any day."

Arnold nodded and smiled.

"Glad you're taking this all in stride." he said, "Arnie and I just uh… well I guess we had an okay time."

A loud squeal from outside the coop caused Arnold to jump. Helga then walked over to the window and waved to the pig.

"Morning." she called out, then looked at Arnold with a smug grin, "She's actually become a dear friend. She's a little off-putting at first glance, but once you get to know her… well so far she's the best source of conversation around here."

Arnold smiled and shook his head. Even if his relatives were threatening to bore him out of his mind, at least he had Helga around to keep him entertained. Surprisingly she seemed to be almost enjoying herself, or possibly losing her mind. Outside the window, the pig kept snorting and squealing up at them.

"What is it girl?" Helga asked the snorting swine, "What's that? Arnie fell down a well?"

"I don't think so," Arnold said.

"No?" Helga asked, "Then we should probably throw Arnie down a well."

"Helga…" Arnold said.

"Yeah, you're right." Helga said, "That would require touching the little lint enthusiast, wouldn't-"

Helga stopped in mid sentence as her nostrils suddenly flared. She sniffed the air and a broad smile crossed her face as she closed her eyes.

"I smell bacon…" she said, "… smoked… applewood bacon. And eggs. C'mon. Let's go endure another passive aggressive meal with your family elevated by good country cooking." She grabbed Arnold by his wrist and the two of them dashed off back towards the farmhouse, with the big sow following close behind them.

When the kids returned to the farmhouse, along with the sound of sizzling bacon they could hear Arnold's father laughing. In the kitchen, Miles and Myron seemed to be swapping stories while Luna just looked at the two of them with a half-lidid stare as she cooked breakfast. Stella meanwhile was looking through the local newspaper, with the front page headline reading 'Tree Falls Down.'

"Go on, Myron." Miles laughed, "Tell that story again."

"One time I saw a rock." Myron said dispassionately.

Miles let loose a loud belly laugh as the others just looked at him in confusion. It wasn't mocking laughter either, Miles seemed to be genuinely charmed by this man, who had the personality of a rock to match his story.

"Oh man… reminds me of the time Stella and I were mountain climbing and we fell off a cliff and into a river." he said, "I saw a rock too." he said, "We've got so much in common."

"Cool." Myron said.

Luna frowned as she lifted the pan from the stove and brought it over to the table.

"Well, who's hungry?" she asked.

"Right here." Helga said as she jumped into a chair, and picked up the plate resting there.

Luna served the group their eggs and bacon, and this time Helga was too hungry to be bothered by Myron and Arnie chewing loudly, and she eagerly devoured her breakfast. Arnold glanced around the table, seeing that his mother and aunt were the only ones without food in their mouths and were avoiding eye contact with one another.

"Well, we've got a full day ahead of us." Arnold said, "What should we do? Have we got plans for today Aunt Luna?"

Luna looked at him, "There's not much to do out here." She said dismissively. "Sorry if that's not what you're used to in the city."

"Miles and I were gonna watch the grass grow." Myron said. "If you kids want to join us."

Miles nodded eagerly, "It's funny, you always hear people comparing things to watching grass grow or saying they'd rather watch grass grow, but I've never actually done it. There's just something really cool and zen about that."

Stella looked at Miles with vexed eyes, still unsure if he was just trying too hard or if he had actually lost his mind, and which option was worse.

"Um, that sounds fun but uh…" Stella suddenly spotted something in the paper, "Hey look! The county fair is open today! We should go! Luna?"

Luna again looked unenthused and sighed, "Oh, you all don't want to go to that. I'm sure we could find something a little more sophisticated for you."

"Nonsense, I haven't been to the fair since we were teenagers." Stella said, fondly reminiscing, "Remember the last time we went?"

"Uh huh." Luna said with much less fondness, "You beat me at the log roll. Dad was so proud…"

Not noticing Luna's gripe, Stella asked the group, "What do you say everyone?"

"Sounds fun to me." Arnold said with a smile.

"Barely anyone died at last year's fair." Myron said eerily, "It gets safer every year."

"They got any eating contests or anything?" Helga asked.

Luna nodded, "You've got a healthy appetite, don't you?"

Helga smirked back at her.

"Yep. Thank you malnourished upbringing." she said. "I've got years worth of room in my stomach for all the lunches I was denied."

Miles looked at Myron and smiled.

"What do you think?" He asked, "Sounds like a good time. Should we go too?"

"But what about the grass?" Myron asked.

"Ah, we can do that later today." Miles said, "Let's see if we can find a bonsai at the fair or something. We can watch that grow."

"Kay." Myron agreed, and then snorted.

Arnold just looked at his father in wonder. He was managing to form some kind of actual bond with Myron, Helga had apparently befriended a pig, and yet he still couldn't relate to Arnie. And of course whatever problem his aunt had with his mother just made everything even more uncomfortable. He looked over at Arnie who was methodically munching on his corn flakes, which of course he ate without milk. He had barely even noticed him there in the midst of all the other weirdness going on. Still, a day at the county fair sounded like fun, even if he had to spend it with those present.

After breakfast, the families drove to the fair in separate cars. In the Packard, Miles was happily telling the others about his experience with Myron the night before.

"I didn't actually find a needle, but man you should have seen Myron count that straw." he said, "It's really impressive."

"Did your dad get kicked in the head by a mule when we got here, and we just didn't notice?" Helga whispered to Arnold.

Arnold gave her an annoyed look, but then looked back at his dad and shrugged, unable to deny he was acting a little strange.

"Dad?" Arnold asked, "It's great you and Myron are hitting it off. Do you mind if I ask… how?"

Stella covered her mouth to suppress a laugh as Miles looked upward in thought.

"What can I say? He's just a fun guy." Miles laughed.

"More like fungi…" Helga said under her breath.

"But you… you've actually had real adventures around the world." Arnold said, "You've explored jungles, fought pirates, so doesn't doing something like counting the hay or watching grass grow seem just a little… dull by comparison?"

"I'm always open to new experiences." Miles said, "Myron's just helping to broaden my horizons. Besides, sometimes you just have to look a little bit deeper to see people for who they really are... or maybe I'm just getting old and boring." He laughed again.

Arnold smiled slightly.

"I wish I could somehow connect with Arnie like that." Arnold sighed. "He's just so… aloof…"

"That's a polite word for that little creep." Helga added.

"Well, the best way to get someone to open up to you is to show an interest in what they like." Miles said.

Arnold frowned, "So… gum, counting, and reading ingredients?"

"Don't forget lint balls." Helga said.

"Well, he might seem kind of different." Miles said, "But like his dad I think he just has a real laid back approach to life. I'd say that's admirable. I bet if you show a little interest in what he likes he'll open up."

Arnold nodded, as did his mother.

"I hope I can get Luna to." she said, "Or this is going to be a very long weekend…"

"Seriously. What's going on with her?" Helga asked.

Stella looked at Helga, reflexively wanting to scold her for intruding on their personal business, but she realized the girl was stuck in the middle of this sibling rivalry against her will. She shrugged instead.

"I really don't know." Stella sighed, "I thought it was just because I hadn't really corresponded with her in years… but I think there's something else."

"I just assumed she was the Olga to your Helga." Helga said, drawing on her own sibling rivalry as an example, "Though… wouldn't that make you the bitter one and her the… ah, never mind."

The rest of the car ride passed mostly in silence as everyone quietly dwelt on their own private thoughts and concerns.

When both parties rendezvoused at the fair parking lot, Miles could barely contain his excitement. They could see several large tents in the distance with an enormous ferris wheel at the center. The air around them smelled of fried chicken and sugary goodies, and possibly some fried sugary goodies as well. The kids similarly reacted with excitement, though theirs seemed mild compared to Miles'.

"Wow!" Miles said eagerly, "This looks incredible!"

"Curb your enthusiasm," Luna said, "You're setting yourself up to be disappointed."  
"Oh I don't think so." Miles grinned as he rubbed his hands together.

"Wanna go see if they have bumper cars?" Arnold asked Helga.

"Nah." Helga shook her head, "I had my fill of bumper cars years ago. I'm gonna go see if I can find an eating contest or something."

"C'mon, Myron. Let's go see if we can find a bonsai." Miles said.

"Kay." Myron said dully before snorting as usual.

Myron and Miles headed off together as their wives just shook their heads.

"They're like kids again." Stella said, "It's… kind of astounding."

"Myron has been unusually excitable since you guys showed up." Luna said.

"That's excitable?" Helga asked, "Is he clinically dead whenever he falls asleep?"

Luna gave Helga a dead eyed stare which caused her to shiver.

"You've got one sharp tongue, kid." she said, but then cracked a half smile at her, "I like that."

Helga smiled uncomfortably in response.

"I guess we're all pairing off." Luna said, "Guess that means I'm stuck with you, sis."

"Too bad." Stella smiled at her teasingly, "Have fun kids. We'll catch up with you later."

"Okay." Arnold affirmed, and then looked at his cousin and asked invitingly, "Arnie? Want to come with me and… Betsy?"

"Kay." Arnie said, but then asked, "Why do you keep calling Helga Betsy? Did she change her name?"

Arnold's eyes went wide as Helga shook her head casually.

"No, no, that was all just part of a plan to- HUH?" she gasped.

* * *

_**Uh oh. The jig is up. Or maybe it was never on. Find out next time...**_

_**One of my favorite little idiosyncrasies of Helga's is her obsession with food, which tends to go relatively unnoticed compared to the rest of her quirks. It's both funny and kinda sad too since her parents often seem to just up and forget to feed her.**_

_**I went into this story with no idea what to do with Miles or Arnie's dad, but in the midst of the drama with Stella and Luna I felt I needed some levity... and now their weird little bromance subplot is turning into my favorite part of this whole thing.**_

_**A friend of mine in high school was really dead set on finding a bonsai when we went to the state fair. And he found one. And named it Eugene. I know. That story was almost as exciting as the time Myron saw a rock.**_

_**Thanks for reading. Like and review! **_


	4. County Freak Show

_**Well I guess I'm on a roll with this one. I promise I'll finish that Helga gets hypnotized story someday...**_

* * *

Arnold and Helga stood aghast. Arnie had barely paid any attention to Helga thus far, which led them both to think that her disguise had worked, but apparently he had seen through it all along. Why he didn't seem to be showing any interest in her confused them both. When Arnie had visited the city a few years back, he had confessed undying love to Helga and expressed a desire to spend every waking minute with her. Helga had declined his offer in the politest manner she was capable of.

"How did you know it was me- I mean… um, I'm Betsy!" Helga shouted in Arnie's stoney face.

Arnie looked at her blankly, which was of course normal for him.

"You're just wearing your hair different." he said, "Do you think I'm dumb or something?" he asked with a snort.

Helga opened her mouth to affirm this, but stopped as she thought to herself.

_Drat. Of all the air tight and foolproof plans I've come up with this just had to be the one to backfire._

"All right, all right… the jig is up. You saw through this cunning disguise of mine somehow…" Helga said, "But don't get any funny ideas, you little dweeb. You and me? That ain't happening."

"Kay." Arnie said plainly.

Helga shot him a look of surprise.

"What do you mean 'kay?'" She asked.

"That was a long time ago." he said plainly with a small shrug, "Just the folly of my youth. I'm long over you."

"Oh you don't fool me, buddy." Helga got in his face and pointed a finger, "No one gets over Helga G. Pataki that easily… you might say you're over me but I'll be watching you, buster…"

"Kay." Arnie said, unintimidated and unfazed by her.

"Um… ready to go?" Arnold asked them.

"I gotta use the john first." Arnie snorted, "Be right back."

As Arnie walked away towards the portapotties Helga frowned in disgust.

"There's an image I could have gone my entire life without picturing." she groaned. "Unbelievable he found a way to be even less appealing."

She then grabbed Arnold's hand and dragged him over behind a garbage can.

"Helga?" He asked, "What are you-"

"Shh, keep your voice down…" Helga said, then licked her finger and stuck it into the air, "Okay… I think we're downwind of him… he can't smell us here… this is bad Arnold. He knows who I am. We gotta strategize."

"Oh come on, Helga." Arnold groaned, "He said he was over you. And if you're worried about him making things awkward, I think he's finally coming out of his shell a little. He's really not that dull to be around anymore."

"So glad you think so." Helga smiled, "That's why I'm gonna go off and do my own thing while the two of you just spend the afternoon together."

"What?" Arnold gasped, "No! Not again! I'll…"

"I take it you're going back on your previous assertion that Arnie isn't that dull anymore, huh?" Helga asked.

"No…" Arnold said, though his tone said 'yes.'

"Look Arnold, the worst he's going to do to you is bore you to a slow painful death." Helga insisted, "The worst that can happen with me is that he'll bore me to a slow painful death, and also try to marry me in the process… and I'll probably be so exhausted from my boredom that I might accidentally say 'yes' and the next thing you know I'll be every bit as bitterly married as your aunt."

"I… guess I can't argue with your logic…" Arnold sighed.

"Hey, at least you two are cousins, so he can't try to marry you! Or… I don't know what the state laws are out here…"

"Helga…" Arnold groaned.

"Yeah, you're right, you'll be fine." she said, "You two probably have more in common than you think, I mean look at him. He's basically you if you gave up on life."

Arnold just gave her a cold half-lidid stare.

"Go on. Short man with a big job to do." she said as she patted his head condescendingly

Arnold sighed with disappointment, "I was hoping we could do stuff together here."

"Arnold! He's family! You owe it to him! Family is important… or so you Shortmans keep trying to convince me!" Helga insisted, "Look, you keep him off my back… tire the little guy out and then presto! He'll want to turn in early from all the excitement you've put him through… and then you and me can go for a walk in the countryside and watch the sunset." She grinned impishly, "Won't that be much more… romantic?"

"I guess so." Arnold shrugged.

"Ready?" Arnie asked as he suddenly appeared behind them.

Arnold and Helga jumped in the air and then smiled awkwardly.

"How do you do that?" Helga asked, "You rival Brainy in the sneaking up department… anyway, see you boys later. I've got plans…"

Helga then stomped off leaving the two cousins behind.

Arnold glanced around, hoping to find something they would enjoy together.

"Wanna get some cotton candy?" he asked, "Or uh… candy almonds or something? I've never had real country fair food before."

"Nah." Arnie said, "They don't come with the ingredients printed."

Arnold sighed, "Okay…" Arnold said, "I mean… I could just have some almonds and you could… count them I guess."

Arnold perked up a little, remembering what his dad had said he devised in his head a way to try to relate to Arnie. As he tried to think of something they could both enjoy in their own way, he spotted the ferris wheel and smiled.

"Let's go ride the ferris wheel." Arnold said, "I bet we can see the entire county from the top."

Arnie didn't look too enthusiastic. Of course he never did, but he looked somehow even less so now.

"And we could… count all the houses we can see from up top." Arnold suggested.

Arnie looked at him with his usual empty eyes. This time however he looked as close to interested as he was capable of looking.

"Kay." he responded.

"And we can read the safety instructions while we're in line." Arnold said, "Or I dunno, count the number of people in front of us."

Arnie nodded, "You're more fun than you used to be."

"Huh?" Arnold said.

"Yeah." Arnie said with a snort, "I thought you were kind of boring. But maybe I was wrong. Let's go."

Arnold's eyes narrowed as Arnie walked off in front of him. Bonding with Arnie was proving every bit as infuriating as he'd expected, but at least he seemed to be making some small progress.

Trying to keep her distance from Arnie, Helga meanwhile made her way towards the high strikers. Looking along the wall of prizes covered in stuffed animals of various sizes, she cracked her knuckles and smiled as she noted the three towers of different heights.

"Step right up, test your strength!" the operator called out, "See if you're a boy or a man! Three tries for five bucks! Hit the bell win a prize!"

Helga passed by the two shorter towers and made her way to the tall one where a boy about her age was taking a swing. He was muscled and tan with a mean look in his eye, and looked perfectly capable of ringing the bell, Helga thought. He struck the lever with his mallet as hard as he could, and while he did come close the puck just missed the bell.

"Better hit the gym and try again next time." the operator said as the boy stepped down, looking angry and somewhat embarrassed. The operator then noticed Helga standing there.

"You might wanna try that one, little missy." the operator said, gesturing to the shortest tower.

The boy who had just tried and failed to ring the bell, looked at her and laughed.

"You gotta be kidding." he said, "Even I can't hit this one. And I reckon a girl as dainty as you couldn't even hit the shortest one."

Helga glared at him for a moment; extremely reminded of Wolfgang. This guy may as well have been his redneck cousin. Helga suddenly had to repress a smirk as a devious idea instantly formed in her head. She looked at the boy with big sad eyes, placing her hands behind her back as she kicked her leg back and forth sheepishly.

"Well, I'm just looking for an ever so good challenge." Helga said as meekly as she could, trying to sound like Lila.

The boy laughed again, "This I have to see."

Helga held up her five dollars however and handed it to the operator.

"Well I… I'm gonna try." Helga said shakily.

She picked up the mallet, apparently struggling to do so.

"Wow… it's so heavy…" she said.

She then lifted the mallet and struck the lever. The puck shot up and didn't even make it halfway to the top.

Both the boy and the operator laughed as Helga looked embarrassed.

"Oh my…" she said, "This is just ever so much harder than I thought."

"With your little noodle arms?" the boy said, "I'm amazed you can even pick up the mallet. I think she deserves to win a little bear just for that alone." He said to the operator, who also snickered.

"Well… I bet I could do it with practice… I'll show you." she said softly.

"Ha!" the boy laughed in her face. "Yeah? You sound like you want to make a little bet on that."

Helga shook her head and covered her mouth, "Oh no," she said, "I wouldn't want to gamble or anything…"

The boy kept laughing, "Too scared to lose ten bucks?"

"Make if twenty." Helga said quickly.

The boy reacted with slight surprise but then smiled, "You've got some guts. All right. You've got two more swings.

Helga once again took her swing, and this time the puck didn't even make it a quarter of the way up. Both the operator and the boy shook their heads and laughed.

"Oh yeah, you're getting better with practice all right. Guess I'm about to be twenty bucks richer." he said, "Go on. I bet you'll make it this time."

"Oh…" Helga whined, "I think I can… I think I can… I think I can…" And then she struck the lever with all her might, sending the puck shooting upward, striking the bell and causing the boy and the operator's jaws to fall open.

"Gosh… third time's the charm." she said, "I guess I don't know my own strength." she then dropped her pho innocent act and stuck out her hand, "You, get me the big bear over there… and you, I'll take that twenty in singles if you've got it. You know. So I can swim in them later."

The boy gritted his teeth as the operator just stared at the small girl in amazement.

After they made it through the line to the ferris wheel, Arnold and Arnie took a seat together as the machine slowly took them upward.

"Fun." Arnold said. "Having fun, Arnie?"

"Sure." Arnie said sounding unamused as always, but then said, "You seem like the sort of person people go to for help, Arnold."

Arnold looked at Arnie in surprise, then shrugged, "Yeah… yeah that is kind of my lot in life. Well, what's your problem?"

Arnie glanced around and then said, "I'm madly in love with a girl. I think she may be the perfect match for me."

Arnold's eyes widened, as he now worried Helga may have been right.

"Um, that's great Arnie…" Arnold said. "Uh, what's she like?"

"Tall, slender, with beautiful hair of gold." Arnie said, sounding no more passionate despite his words. "Tends to wear a pink dress. She came here from the city not long ago."

Arnold could feel his heart sinking rapidly, fearing what this would lead to. As far as Arnie knew, Arnold and Helga were just friends, Arnold thought to himself. He had to find a way to let him down gently.

"Are you sure she's absolutely your perfect match?" Arnold asked, "I mean… there's plenty of fish in the sea…"

"She's just so passionate. And full of life. And beautiful." Arnie said in a tone that almost resembled actual human emotion, "She's everything I could never be. My ways are a mystery to most women. They just don't see the beauty of lint."

That marked the first time Arnold had ever heard Arnie sounding self aware about his own strangeness. He sounded almost ashamed at what he was, which for all Arnie's other obvious faults just made him seem even more sad and pathetic.

"Well, maybe there is more to you than that." Arnold said, trying to encourage Arnie though he wasn't quite sure why, "After all the uh… most beautiful gift can come in the plainest box, right?"

Arnie said nothing and just nodded slightly.

"Maybe you should try… broadening your horizons a little?" Arnold suggested,

"I like… I guess I recently starting liking…" Arnie tried to find his words.

"Yeah?" Arnold asked.

"I like to spell things too." Arnie said.

Arnold's face drooped in response, when suddenly the ferris wheel came to an abrupt stop as the sound of grinding machinery cut through the air.

"Nobody panic!" the man operating the wheel down below called out, "It's just a minor malfunction… should be fixed within the hour.

"Great." Arnold sighed.

He always felt trapped whenever Arnie was around, but now he was literally trapped in the air with no escape. At least they had reached the top and now had a great view. Arnie then began counting all the houses he could see, to Arnold's further annoyance.

Far from the ferris wheel, Myron and Miles had actually found a tent selling a large number of potted plants, and Miles to his excitement found a bonsai.

"What kinda highfalutin fancy tree is that?" Myron asked.

"It's a bonsai." Miles said, "They trim them to look like miniature versions of bigger trees. Neat huh?"

Myron stared at it for a few moments.

"Yeah." he said. "It's almost as fun to watch grow as the grass."

"This is a nice one." Miles said, "Here, I'll buy it for you to give to Luna. I bet she'll love it."

Just then, the two of them heard music playing over at a nearby stage. Both of them immediately recognized the song, as Miles began humming along with it.

_You can offer me a diamond-plated pearl._

_You can sen me all the riches in the world._

_You can tempt me with the palaces of kings._

_I'd give 'em back in a big ol' sack and keep the simple things._

"I like that song." Myron said, with a faint smile. "It really speaks to me."

Miles nodded, "Simple things… I bet. Would you believe me if I told you I actually live in the same building as the guy who wrote and originally recorded it? Or so Arnold tells me."

Myron's eyes got wide and he asked, "You're housemates with one time wonder Mr. Hyunh? The greatest country singer since Travis Randall?"

Miles nodded, "You believe that?"

"Uh huh." Myron said, "You seem like an honest guy."

Miles laughed, "I'll be sure to get you an autograph next time I see him."

"Can you have him sign in Vietnamese characters?" Myron asked, "That'd be neat."

"You got it, man." Miles said.

Miles paid for the bonsai and the two of them walked over to the stage and sang along with the band from the audience.

Elsewhere, Helga, now carrying an enormous stuffed bear she had won from the strength tester, surveyed the fairgrounds further, still looking for something to do. She wasn't all that keen on going on any rides, since this fair seemed to have nothing that the annual cheese festival in Hillwood didn't. As she looked around she saw a tent decorated to look like an enormous pie and her stomach rumbled.

"There we go." she grinned as she rubbed her hands together. "Pie eating contest. Perfect."

She walked over and saw mostly good sized boys and men sitting and waiting for the contest to begin. She spotted what looked like the man in charge and walked up to him.

"Got room for one more competitor?" she asked.

"You?" he asked, "You sure your eyes aren't bigger-"

"Than my stomach, yeah yeah heard that before." She dismissed him. "Am I too late or what?"

The judge scratched his head and shrugged, "All right. Have a seat."

Helga sat down next to a man about the size of a lowland gorilla who looked at her and shook his head dismissively. Helga paid him no mind and cracked her knuckles.

"Bring it on…" she said confidently.

Stella and Luna were just casually strolling through the fair, both of them just people watching more than anything else, with little to say to one another as they went. As they walked past several food vendors, Stella pointed over to a large tent where several teenage girls in flowing gowns were lining up before a gathering crowd. Stella smiled as she recalled more memories.

"Didn't you win one of those?" Stella asked.

Luna gave her another annoyed look.

"I got second runner up." Luna said.

"What?" Stella asked, "I thought you won… I could have sworn I remembered you won…"

"Why would you remember?" Luna asked, "You weren't even there. You and dad were off hiking in the woods or something."

"We… were?" Stella asked, now sounding embarrassed.

Luna looked at the stage, eyeing a girl who looked much like her. Sighing, she began to wistfully recall the story.

"I wasn't a sore loser about it. I wasn't going to just break down and cry like some of the other girls but… but then I had to walk home. Alone. No one there with me."

Stella looked at her sister sadly, slowly starting to realize exactly how much more time her father had spent with her than with Luna.

"So… that's why you've been so… happy to see us?" she asked carefully.

Luna scowled at her, "Tip of the iceberg, little sis." She said coldly. "You really want to know more?"

Back atop the ferris wheel, Arnie had finished counting all the houses, trees, and cars he could see, and was now moving onto counting the people below.

"Hey, Arnie." Arnold said, "I know you like to read ingredients but… have you read many good books lately?"

"I don't like books." Arnie said, "I don't like how they have to spell out what the story is."

"Huh?" Arnold asked.

"Yeah. They have to tell you the entire story." Arnie said, "I just like to look at words. The stories are just there even if they're not written."

"How so?" Arnold asked, now slightly intrigued.

"Like the tabasco bottle last night." Arnie said, "Salt. Salt comes from the ocean. Lots of things happen on and under the ocean. Ships. Storms. Whales. Krakens. There's a lot to think about. I don't need a bunch of words telling the whole story of Moby Dick to think of that." He said with a snort.

Arnold blinked. He had never quite considered anything in that light before, and while he couldn't bring himself to agree he was at least somewhat intrigued, thinking perhaps there was a bit more to Arnie's seemingly simplistic view of things.

"I know it must seem weird… or dull…" Arnie said, "But I just take pleasure in the simple blessings of life. There's a lot there if you just look for it."

Arnold smiled. He had always looked for the beauty in the small things in life, but had assumed Arnie despite claiming to have his hobbies didn't feel any real passion or depth for his supposed interests. Perhaps he'd misjudged him.

"Even in lint, huh?" Arnold asked, somewhat jestingly.

Arnie gave him a blank stare, and Arnold suddenly worried he'd offended him. Fortunately in that moment the ferris wheel finally began moving again, and it brought the two boys back down to earth. Neither of them said a word and silently continued through the fairgrounds, unsure of what to do next.

Not far away, Stella and Luna were still strolling side by side with the tension between them getting worse as they discussed the past.

"Come on, Luna..." Stella said, "You've got to have some fond memories of all three of us. You, me, dad..."

"Not really." Luna said, "After mom passed away, he just started spending all his time with you. I guess you just reminded him of her more than me."

Stella sighed sadly, realizing she was right. The two of them really had drifted apart after the death of their mother when they were still very young, and Stella hadn't really thought about it until now, but she did realize that their father did spend a lot of time with her while Luna did her own thing. Stella and her father were more the outdoors types, while Luna had always seemed like an out of place metropolitan out in the countryside. Ironically Stella had been the one to get out into the world and now lived in a large city, and Luna had never managed to escape this small town. Stella looked at her sister, who now looked more sad than bitter or angry and tried to find some words of comfort, but before she could Luna spotted something.

"Oh look." Luna pointed over where two large lumberjack types were competing at log rolling. "The log roll." She glared at Stella and said in a hushed tone, "Time for a rematch?"

"I think we're overdue." Stella agreed.

* * *

_**I didn't really plan on it (I say that a lot don't I...), but as I tried to develop Luna's character, I ended up humanizing Arnie too. On the show he's more of a meta joke than an actual character... so I guess I'm not being true to that, but as someone who similarly to Arnie takes pleasure in the little things in life and was considered weird as a kid (not quite to that degree) I strangely found myself kind of sympathizing with the kid.**_

_**It also dawned on me that I keep having characters discussing their problems in the park in Hillwood while looking at the river... a lot. Hey at least this time we can confront our painful issues at the county fair.**_

_**No, Miles and Myron will not be ditching their wives and running away together... despite appearances.**_


	5. Clash of Fire and Ice

_**Stella is fire, Luna is ice... that's what the title means. Tiny Game of Thrones reference too, I guess.**_

_**Well, it all comes to this... the thing... that it comes to... wonder what that is. Read on.**_

* * *

Meanwhile, over at the pie tent, Helga victoriously wiped her mouth after dominating the pie eating contest. The other contestants, most of them roughly three times her size just stared at her in amazement, having just witnessed the scrawny girl inhale more pies than they had ever seen anyone else eat. Helga let out a loud belch and then started picking her teeth with a toothpick. The judge stepped over to her and removed his hat in respect and awe.

"Piece of cake." Helga said, "Or should I say pie?"

"Little girl, that was the most terrifying thing I have ever seen in my entire career judging pie eating contests…" he said, then held up her hand in his, "We have our winner!"

"Aw yeah!" Helga pumped her fist as the judges handed her the first place trophy, "Helga one, Olga eight hundred and twelve. I'll catch her yet before I die…"

Nearby, Stella and Luna had made it to the front of the line at the log roll. Now that it was their turn, the two of them stepped out onto the large log floating in the water and acclimated themselves, trying to find their balance. It had been a long time since either of them had done anything of the sort, but had both at least kept in good shape into their early middle age.

"Just remember… don't watch your own feet. Hunch down slightly like you're sitting." Stella said, "Keep your eyes on the end of the log, use your arms for balance and-"

"Are you coaching me?" Luna asked. "Figured you'd want to keep your strategy secret."

"Hey, what are sisters for?" Stella asked.

"Ready?" the man running the log roll shouted.

"One-upping." Luna shot back.

"And go!"

Both sisters began furiously spinning the log beneath their feet, with Stella moving her feet forwards and Luna stepping backwards. Both of them tried not to, but they ended up staring one another down intensely. The crowds watched with interest, sensing there was more to the hostility they were witnessing than just the competition at hand. Both of them gnashed their teeth at one another as their feet moved faster and faster. Luna suddenly changed directions, but Stella was ready and swiftly began stepping backwards, only faltering slightly. She then turned the tables and reversed as well, but Luna similarly was not hindered. The two of them now just kept spinning the log faster and faster as they stared at one another intensely.

As the two women clashed, their husbands passed by the pie tent without noticing Helga, and were unwittingly heading towards the log roll. Myron was staring at his new pot plant looking very philosophical.

"I hope Luna likes it." he said dully, "She doesn't like much."

"Ah, she'll love it." Miles said, still humming 'Simple Things' to himself, but stopped when he saw two familiar and fired-up women kicking their feet atop a spinning log in a pool of water.

"Whoa." Miles said with wide eyes, "I didn't even know she could do that… guess it shouldn't surprise me."

Myron too looked fairly wide-eyed for a change, "I didn't know Luna was so… agile…"

The two of them joined the crowd, with all witnesses completely awestruck by the two olympian-like figures still furiously spinning the log, with the two of them more or less sprinting forward and backward. As Stella glared at her sister she could see the anger burning in her blue eyes, but suddenly she felt overcome by compassion for her. She remembered the time she had beaten her at this when they were teenagers, and their father had lauded her for it and not so much as congratulated Luna for her effort. Feelings of guilt clutched at her heart, and as she stared at Luna she knew what she had to do.

"Whoa!" she abruptly shouted and suddenly toppled over forward.

Stella fell off the log and into the water, making an enormous splash as the crowds cheered. Luna managed to stay on, and despite her victory over her sister she still didn't look very happy.

Stella bobbed back to the surface and coughed, as she grabbed a hold of the log.

"You got me." she said.

"You fell off on purpose." Luna said, "Don't think I didn't notice."

"What?" Stella protested, "No, I just lost my balance. You really beat me, sis."

"Uh huh." Luna said, still unconvinced, "So you thought tossing me a mercy win was going to just undo everything?"  
Stella lowered her head and sighed, "I thought it would at least be a nice gesture for a start…"

Luna shook her head, but at least knelt down to offer Stella a hand. Stella took Luna's hand and she pulled her out of the water.

"Please, I don't need your sympathy." Luna said, turning her nose upward.  
"You're such a sore winner…" Stella grumbled, as the man running the log roll handed her a towel.

"Wow." Myron said, still in a monotone but sounding genuinely impressed for him, "That was great."

Luna looked up to see her husband and brother in law watching them. Myron was carrying a small tree in a pot, and to her surprise he handed it to her.

"For you." he said.  
Luna looked at the plant and then at her husband. The two of them hadn't exactly been terribly affectionate towards one another for a while now, but Luna's mouth curled into the slightest smile as she looked into her man's eyes.

"It's… lovely." she said.

"I uh…" Myron said, "It reminds me of us. Deeply rooted, growing slowly, takes some work, but it's long lasting and beautiful."

Luna cocked an eyebrow, "Since when are you a poet, of sorts?"

Miles and Myron looked at one another and grinned slightly.

"Come on." Stella said as she stomped past, "Let's find the kids and go. I think I've had enough."

Miles and Myron shrugged and followed after her. Luna stood still for a moment, still crossing her arms and frowning, but when the others weren't looking she looked downward at the bonsai in her hands with sadness before she followed after them.

"Nice going, Luna…" she muttered to herself.

Arnold and Arnie meanwhile were just wandering from booth to booth, tent to tent and just sort of observing the sights. Or at least Arnold was, while Arnie seemed to be looking straight ahead into a void. When his discomfort finally boiled over, Arnold broke the awkward silence between them.

"Hey, uh… sorry if you're feeling discouraged about that girl you like." he said, "But I guess some things just aren't meant to be."

"I guess." Arnie said, "Maybe I'm just too simple for such a sophisticated woman."

Strangely, Arnold could at last feel some semblance of a connection with Arnie at long last. Unrequited love had been a struggle of Arnold's for years, and even if the object of Arnie's affections in question was Arnold's own girlfriend, at least he wasn't making creepy advances. To Arnold, blood was thicker than water and for years Arnie had been among the only family he knew. Despite their differences he felt some weird sense of kinship with him. Now he had finally come to appreciate how Arnie found joy and contentment with the little things in life, even if he barely let it show. Of course what he considered to be the simple joys of life were just a little different.

"Life's simple pleasures are life's greatest treasures." Arnold said quietly.

"It doesn't matter." Arnie said, "I don't think the girl I like can appreciate the things I like."

"Maybe your interests are a little… different, but… if that's what brings you joy than you shouldn't let me or anyone else tell you that you're wrong to enjoy them-"

"It's her." Arnie said suddenly.

Arnold glanced around and asked, "Who?"

"The girl of my dreams." Arnie said monotonously, "The one who fills my heart with feelings of passion." As he spoke the propeller on his beanie began spinning.

Arnold's heart abruptly sank as he saw Helga was walking into sight, carrying what looked like a trophy and a teddy bear about the size of her. Arnold sighed and realized what he had to do.

"Arnie… I uh, I'm sorry, I should have been upfront about it but… Helga and I are… we're sort of-" Arnold said.

"Not Helga." Arnie said, pointing to Helga's left.  
Arnold turned and saw a large buff boy about their age, and another girl, similarly blonde and wearing a pink dress, and one he had seen before to his shock.

"Isn't that…" Arnold started.

"Her name is Gloria." Arnie finished for him. "She moved here three months ago. It was love at first sight. But… she's with-"

"Hey!" a loud obnoxious sounding voice bellowed, "That's her… she's the one who hustled me!"

"Gustav…" Arnie said in a rather menacing voice.

"Ah crud." Helga muttered, as she turned and saw the big well-muscled jerk she had beaten at the high striker earlier.

"Well hello there," she smiled, "Anything more I can do for you today- Gloria?"

Helga stopped in surprise when she saw a familiar girl with the boy. Gloria had first appeared to her in a nightmare Helga had experienced, in which she had disappeared and no one missed her. Her best friend Phoebe had replaced her with Gloria, a seemingly similar but much kinder and prettier person than Helga saw herself as. Some time later, after bribing Stinky to pretend to be her boyfriend to make Arnold jealous, Stinky had apparently developed feelings for Helga, but she rebuked him. Then as if she had somehow materialized into flesh, Gloria had hooked up with Stinky. Helga still saw her around occasionally after those incidents, but realized now that she hadn't seen her around school all year.

"Hello Helga." Gloria said with a friendly smile, though she also sounded slightly cautious and almost frightened.

"You know this girl?" Gustav shouted in her face.

"She uh… I used to go to her school before I moved here…" Gloria said tentatively.

"Well this little friend of yours cheated me out of twenty bucks." Gustav kept bellowing loudly.

Helga smirked at him, "Hey pal, you were the one who wanted to gamble. I just obliged you. Tell you what, I'll give you a chance to win your money back." She raised her fists, "Old Betsy and the Five Avengers are just raring to go. Come get it."

Gustav's scowl broke into a surprised look of fear for just a second, but after Helga had proven herself to be oddly strong at the fair, he knew better than to try to fight her.

"Ah, forget you." Gustav said, "C'mon, Gloria. We're leaving."

Gustav then roughly grabbed Gloria by her wrist and proceeded to drag her along with him. Gloria only feebly protested for a moment but then resigned herself sadly to going with him.

Arnold saw Gustav roughly dragging Gloria like a dog on a leash and frowned. He took a step forward and looked as if he were about to protest, but suddenly Arnie stepped forward.

"Don't treat her like that." Arnie said as he stared at Gustav.

"Beat it, you little weirdo before I-"

Gustav raised his fist but froze when he looked into Arnie's cold, dead-eyed stare.

"Hey… quit staring, you're creeping me out!" Gustav shouted in Arnie's face and shook his fist.

Arnie didn't flinch and just snorted.

"Ugh!" Gustav let go of Gloria and appeared to be unnerved by Arnie. "Somebody needs to teach you a-"

Arnie snorted again.

"Stop that!" Gustav said.

"Leave her alone." Arnie said flatly.

Gustav looked at Gloria who just looked slightly aghast. Embarrassed at being intimidated by the likes of Helga and now Arnie, he just scowled and snarled.

"Little freak… ah forget you too! So long, Gloria! You're not worth the trouble!"

And with that Gustav stomped off, departing the fairgrounds, leaving his dejected girlfriend looking rather sad, but also somewhat relieved. She then looked at Arnie and stepped closer to him.

"Thank you." Gloria said, "That was very brave of you."

"I can smell a coward." Arnie said, as he snorted.

"Yes…" Gloria said, somewhat sadly, "I suppose the two of us are through. He seemed nice when I first met him but… he wasn't."

"You deserve someone who'd treat you better." Arnie said. "Someone nicer." His eyes blinked one at a time.

Gloria looked at him in surprise. To Helga and Arnold's surprise Arnie was actually smiling at the girl.

"Well, I suppose if the right boy came along…" Gloria said with a smile.

Arnold looked at Arnie and smiled encouragingly. Arnie nodded and reached into his pocket.  
"This is my favorite piece of lint." he said to Gloria. "Want to hold it?"

Arnold groaned quietly and lowered his head as Helga snickered.

"Ah, the easily amused." she mused.

"Easily amused?" Arnie asked, as he turned to Helga, "Do you know how hard it is to find joy in lint? Few people can do it."

Helga paused, and considered Arnie's words for a moment.

"Alright. Don't let me interrupt…"

Arnie held out his lint ball towards Gloria and began to explain, "Every lint ball tells a thousand stories. Every little fiber has to come from somewhere. They all have different backgrounds and origins of their own, they look different, feel different, but they all come together to form a whole." He snorted again. "Like they're a family or something."

Arnold's jaw practically dropped. He'd done it. Arnie had actually found some deeper meaning to his bizarre lint obsession.

"That was… surprisingly deep." Helga remarked quietly.

"Wow… that's… I've never thought about lint like that." Gloria said, and she then smiled earnestly, "You really appreciate the little things in life, don't you?"

"The simplest pleasures are life's greatest treasures." Arnie said, snorting again.

Gloria too manufactured a little snort of her own and giggled.

"Do you… want to go see a movie tomorrow night?" Arnie asked.

"I… I think I would like that." Gloria said.

Arnie's beanie propeller whirled as he smiled. Gloria walked up and gave him a little hug.

"No accounting for taste." Helga muttered, "So… you really meant what you said, huh?"

"Yeah." Arnie said, "I told you. My feelings for you were immature and misbegotten."

"Why do country bumpkins keep having those towards me…" Helga mumbled, and then looked at Gloria, "And then they get together with you…"

Gloria giggled and shrugged, "Tell Stinky hi for me, and I'm sorry it didn't work out."

"See you tomorrow." Arnie said, "I gotta spend the night with my cousin, before he goes home tomorrow."

Arnold looked at Arnie in surprise.

"You don't have to." Arnold said, "You and Gloria can go to the movies tonight if you want. Helga and I will be fine."

"Yeah." Arnie said, "But I wanna."

A strange mixture of feelings came over Arnold. He was one dismayed and annoyed, but also touched by his cousin's apparent loyalty. Helga looked far less enthusiastic, but she was at least relieved that Arnie had found himself someone else. Still, she wanted to keep him occupied and away from her regardless. Even if he and Arnold had apparently connected in some weird way she could still barely tolerate the kid.

"Uh… Gloria?" Helga asked, "If you're not busy why don't you come hang out with us?"

Gloria covered her mouth in surprise, she then looked at Arnie who smiled at her.

"I don't want to intrude on your family time." she said.

"Ah c'mon, intrude away." Helga said, "It's what I do."

Arnie reached out his hand and Gloria smiled back, as she reached out and took his hand. Just then a soaking wet Stella walked past them with Miles and Myron following behind, both wearing inane grins on their faces. Luna followed behind them, carrying a small potted plant and a dour expression on her face.

"Come on kids." She said, "Let's go."

Arnie and Gloria followed behind his mother, both hand in hand. Arnold looked at Helga and offered her his hand as well, but she just handed him her trophy and enormous teddy bear to carry for her.

"Thank you dear." She said as she strutted off behind the rest of the group.

Arnold groaned and rolled his eyes, but then followed his girlfriend to the car.

"Ah, nothing like a day at the fair," Helga said, "Makes me glad that rural America is dying. Let's get outta here."

* * *

_**I hope I fooled a few people with that little twist. Someone suggested to me that I put Gloria out in Arnie's town and have them hook up, which I thought was a fun idea but… I'm sorry, that was a while back and I've been sent so many ideas that I forgot who it was who suggested it… so if it was you and you read this gimme a shout. **_

_**I started this story with the intention of focusing on Stella and Luna, with Arnie just there to be Arnie as usual, but I'm glad I ended up developing him as a character too. It ties in nicely with the theme of loving your family even if you have nothing in common with them or they just drive you nuts.**_

_**I didn't even think of it when I came up with his name… but Myron does sound like a combination of Miles and moron… funny how that worked.**_

_**Not sure why I thought of log rolling in the first place (I was probably tired of characters just talking about their problems… had to do something a little more engaging), but I had to research and find out more than I ever cared to know about the sport for this… you know what? It's actually pretty interesting. Oh god… life is imitating art… this story is all about opening up to new things and now I'm apparently a log rolling enthusiast. **_

_**And there we go. The penultimate chapter. Next we'll wrap things up back at the farmhouse and see if those sisters can get right with each other.**_


	6. Stick Family

_**Thank you EnvytheSkunk! I thought that might've been your idea to use Gloria in this story but I wasn't sure. Anyway, we've come to the end here. It's been a fun ride exploring these characters, and thank you to everyone for commenting.**_

* * *

When the two families, plus Helga and Gloria returned to the farmhouse, they again paired off into groups as the afternoon waned. Rather than cooking dinner, Luna just ordered from the only pizza place in town and then isolated herself from the others while they waited for the food to be delivered. Arnie had been busily showing Arnold and Gloria his lint collection, while Helga was lying down on the back porch outside, feeling some delayed bloating from the plethora of pies she had eaten earlier.

"Ugh… so worth it…" She muttered to herself.

The sound of approaching footsteps caused her to sit up. She looked over at the edge of the porch and saw Stella leaning on the railing and looking off into the distance. Helga sighed and walked up behind her.  
"Hiya Stella, how's it going?" she asked.

"Helga, I'm sorry we dragged you along on this trip." Stella said morosely. "I should have just come out here myself and not put you all through this."

Helga shrugged, "Ah don't be sorry. I'm actually having a way better time than I thought I would. Your family may be nuts… and a little prickly… I mean seriously, no wonder you left for the jungle… but they still look warm and fuzzy compared to mine."

Stella smiled at Helga with a half-lidid look.

"Have you seen Miles or Myron?" she asked.

"I think they're out in the barn watching an apple core turn brown." Helga said, "You might wanna send him to the doctor to have his head examined when we get back to Hillwood. I think he's caught whatever Myron carries…"

Stella chuckled and shook her head.

"I think it's sweet that those two got to be such good buddies, in spite of their differences." Stella said, but then her smile faded and she sighed, "I wish I could say the same for my sister and me."

Helga nodded, "Ah, you tried your best. Sooner or later she has to meet you halfway. I mean sheesh, what an ice queen… if I were you I'd go tear her a new one."

"Helga…" Stella attempted to say sternly but it came across half-hearted, and Helga noticed.  
"Seriously, how do you even stand her?" Helga asked.

Stella opened her mouth, fully intending to give some comforting and motherly piece of wisdom, but suddenly found she just couldn't. Sighing, she looked away.

"Well… I don't know if I really do." Stella said, "But you know, I don't think you have to like someone to love them…"

Helga rolled her eyes, but then a small cough in the distance caught both of their attention. They looked down the hill and saw a small patio with two Adirondack chairs next to a fire pit. Luna sat in one of the chairs while poking at a smoldering little fire in the pit she was attempting to get going. Stella watched her and shook her head.

"She never was good at fire building." she remarked, "Guess I should offer a hand…"

Helga tilted her head in Luna's direction and Stella sighed, then walked down the stairs and onto the path leading towards the patio where her sister sat. The walk was short, but seemed to take forever in Stella's mind. She didn't know how, but she knew that Luna knew it was her walking up from behind her. Stella sat down in the empty chair next to her, but Luna paid her no mind as she kept prodding the fire. Stella picked up a stick and started mixing up the kindling, which Luna reacted to with disdain.

"I got it." Luna said.

"Maybe if we just do it together…" Stella said, "It might work better?"

Luna sighed and tossed her stick into the fire. She then sat back in her chair and sulked.

"Oh never mind." she said, "You go ahead. You were always better at this outdoors stuff… dad taught you well."

Stella gave up on the fire and leaned back in her chair too, with a heavy sigh.

Behind them, Helga stepped down from the porch and crept over behind a large barrel to listen in on them.

"Oh man, this ought to be good. C'mon Stella… read her the riot act…" she whispered to herself, sensing that Stella was finally about to snap.

"Luna… I'm sorry, all right?" Stella asked, "I'm sorry I didn't come to your pageant and I'm sorry I beat you at a few things… but we were kids. That's all in the past now. We have the future to be better sisters to each other now."

"You think I'm bitter just because you didn't come to see me lose a beauty pageant?" Luna practically shouted, "You were always dad's favorite… he was always taking you camping and fishing… you were his little adventurer."

"You never wanted to do any of that stuff." Stella said in frustration, "All you ever wanted to do was dress up, do your nails… I was his adventurer and you were… you were his little princess."

"Yeah, and I realized a little too late that he didn't want a princess…" Luna said.

Helga's malicious grin slowly faded away, and she started feeling uncomfortably empathetic with Luna.

"Man, I thought she was the Olga in this relationship…" she said to herself, "Stella was the Olga all along? Luna was the princess… and somehow not the favorite? Oh what twisted bizarro alternate universe is this rural torture chamber of a homestead?"

Luna meanwhile continued her tirade, "You were the one who got to finish college, get your doctorate, and I had to stay here… taking care of dad as he declined… that was the most time I got to spend with him ever, and in all that time he called me 'Stella' half the time before he finally…"

Luna paused, as she sniffled and fought back tears. Stella meanwhile just looked at her with apologetic eyes as Luna slowly found her words again.

"And then you ran off on your little jungle adventures after college and I got stuck here in this dead end town. And oh look, here I am today!"

"He loved you." Stella said suddenly.

Luna glared at her.

"He wasn't perfect… but he loved you. You know he did." Stella repeated, with her voice becoming shaky, "And… I'm not perfect either, in spite of what you think dad thought… and I love you too."

Luna closed her eyes and looked away.

"And you loved him." Stella urged, "If you didn't love him, you wouldn't be so mad… and why else would you have named your son after him? Just like I did."

Luna slowly turned her head back in Stella's direction. She opened her eyes slowly and just stared blankly at her sister. Stella didn't now what else to say. Then she glanced at the stick in her hand and another thought came to her.

"Remember… remember when we were really little, that thing dad used to do whenever we were building a campfire?" Stella asked, "He'd have us both find a stick, and then tell us to break it?"

"What? That dumb game?" Luna asked.

"Yes. That one." Stella insisted, "And then we'd break our sticks, which was easy. But then he'd tell us to get a bundle of sticks and tell us to break them together?"

Luna's cold expression seemed to melt just a little as Stella continued to reminisce.

"And we couldn't break those ones, because they were firm together. The lone stick breaks, but…"

"…the bundle is unbreakable." Luna finished for her, quoting their father, "Because that bundle… is family…"

Luna looked at Stella, for the first time without a trace of jealousy or bitterness on her face, replaced now with regret and sorrow, and Stella sniffled slightly.

"I guess that's why I'm…" Luna said softly, unable to finish her sentence.

Stella reached out and placed a hand atop her sister's.

"I miss him." Luna said.

"Me too." Stella agreed.

Luna just closed her eyes and then tilted her head to look upwards. Neither of them said another word to one another, but Stella then handed Luna another stick, and together the two of them continued building the fire. Within minutes the small smoking pile of sticks had become a blazing inferno, and the two of them both stared into it, as if contemplating what the future now could hold for them.

Still watching from the shadows, Helga looked downward sadly, reminded of her own very broken family, and how much she had yet to resolve with them. She sighed, and stood up, finding the enormous pig staring at her. She smiled slightly and patted its head before silently walking away to find the other kids. Stella and Luna just stared at the fire without saying a word, starting to feel a sense of healing between them. It had hurt them both, but of course most healing processes typically hurt more than what caused the wound in the first place. Only the sound of crackling fire and crickets filled the night air as they both looked into the fire and smiled.

Suddenly the silence was broken by the sound of acoustic guitar, followed by a pair of male singing voices. The two sisters glanced up at the porch and saw Miles and Myron both strumming on guitars and smiling down on them.

"Hey, look what we found!" Miles shouted, as he launched into song.

_You can offer me a diamond-plated pearl._

_You can sen me all the riches in the world._

_You can tempt me with the palaces of kings._

_I'd give 'em back in a big ol' sack and keep The Simple Things._

"Take it, Myron!" Miles shouted.

As they both strummed their instruments Myron launched into the refrain, still singing in his usual monotone but still clearly pouring his heart into it.

_I've got The Simple Things; I've got the rain in spring,_

_Got spicy chicken wings, and French-fried onion rings._

Luna and Stella looked up at their husbands with wide eyes. It had been some time since Stella had heard Miles sing, and she had forgotten that his college friend Eduardo had even taught him guitar once upon a time. Luna by contrast didn't even realize that Myron had any musical ability at all. The two musicians then continued singing the rest of the song together.

_You can line me up a mile of limousines._

_For me it don't add up to a hill o' beans._

_I got no hankerin' for grabbin' your brass ring._

_It's crystal clear I'll stay right here and keep The Simple Things._

_I've got the summer breeze, got sixteen cans of peas._

_A two-speed window fan when it's ninety-three degrees._

_So forgive me for not grabbin' your brass ring._

_It's crystal clear I'll stay right here and keep The Simple Things._

_It's crystal clear I'll stay right here and keep The Simple Things._

The two husbands struck a pose as they completed their serenade. Charmed by their little performance, both Luna and Stella smiled at them, and then at one another. The two of them clapped as Miles and Myron took a bow.

"Thank you!" Miles shouted, "Thank you! We're here all week! Well… no I guess we're leaving tomorrow, but still! We'll be back! If you'll have us!"

The two sisters laughed together, and Stella got out of her chair and wrapped her arms around Luna, which at first caused her to wince, but she reluctantly smiled and patted her sister's shoulder.

"Baby sister…" Luna said softly.

Helga meanwhile came across Arnold and the others, who were being led by Arnie to a hill to gaze at the night sky and watch the stars appear. She followed them in silence, troubled by some feelings that Stella and Luna had unwittingly brought about in her. She chose to ignore them for now and just enjoy her time with Arnold and even the other two tonight. As she looked around she couldn't help but marvel at the picturesque countryside glowing orange under the setting sun.

Later, after the adults had gone inside Arnold, Helga, Arnie and Gloria all stared up at the night sky together, while lying on their backs on a grassy hill.

"You really can see a lot more stars out here than in the city…" Arnold marveled, "It's amazing. You can see almost every constellation… there's the big dipper… and I think that's a planet… Venus?"

"I dunno." Helga shrugged, "Can we see Uranus?"

"I don't think so." Arnold said, "I think that one's too far away. Helga?"

Helga was laughing to herself for reasons unclear to Arnold, Arnie and Gloria.

"Don't you start counting them…" Helga pointed a finger at Arnie, who was already pointing at the stars .

Arnold reached out and placed a hand on Helga's.

"It's just so incredible." he said, "It's really kind of inspirational."

"It is quite inspirational." Gloria noted, "There's just something so poetic about it."

Arnold then smiled and looked at his girlfriend, who he couldn't help but find really pretty in the moonlight.

"Helga?" Arnold asked, "Got one for us?"

Helga squinted at him with a frown.

"Oh sure, you think I'm just a jukebox of poetry?" Helga huffed, "Please, a wordsmith such as myself only composes when inspiration strikes." She gestured upwards, "And what's so inspirational about these sublime unobtainable heavens above? The lustrous gleams of these celestial bodies spanning the imponderable heavens, that do gaze down upon us like a million glowing eyes, mayhap with the same curiosity and wonder like a gigantic mirror reflecting unto our souls? This sky, by day azure, and by night indigo, this infinite firmament, now so heavily studded in diamonds of light that they could rain down upon us, covering us in a gleaming quilt woven from a thousand worlds… but nay, this cannot be. The stars that goad we terrestrial mortals to vainly reach for them in the hopes of possessing something divine. Our inspiration to reach beyond ourselves, and our tormenting reminder of the dirt to which we are bound… oh…"

Arnold and Gloria looked at Helga with wide eyes, then they smiled approvingly. Even Arnie looked so impressed his face nearly stirred.

"So yeah, I don't take requests sorry." Helga shook her head, as if unaware of her own poetic riff.

"That's… too bad." Arnold said with a smile.

Helga then sat up and said abruptly, "Wait, I think I got one… The moon is rising. Some say that it looks like cheese. And I feel gassy. There. It's a haiku." She smirked at Arnie, "I bet even you could do one of those. It is the most rigid and mathematical kind of poetry out there."

"Kay." Arnie said, "I like to count things. Plain flavored gum is the best. They are my passions." He finished with a snort.

Helga laughed, "Well, that was certainly from the heart, I can't deny…"

Gloria smiled and took a hold of Arnie's arm. The four of them continued to stare upwards as more and more stars filled the heavens above, accompanied by the melodic chirping of crickets and low cries of owls all around them. To the city kids, there was an otherworldly feel to this place, and they couldn't help but marvel in silence as the natural symphony filled them with a sense of peace.

Arnie's loud snorting then broke the silence.

"WILL YOU JUST BLOW YOUR NOSE ALREADY?" Helga shouted.

The End

* * *

_**I picture that ending running through the credits, and Arnie's snort and Helga's shouting happening at the very end.**_

_**I never found the old "Uranus" joke all that funny... and yet when Helga does it...**_

_**Whew. I was kind of starting to hate Luna. I originally just planned to make her a perfectly nice and normal person, and that would be the joke since she was Arnie's mom. Then I decided to make hers and Stella's relationship really strained and bitter, to serve as a warning to Helga of where her own family issues could go if she keeps running from them.**_

_**I read somewhere that Arnie is possibly autistic... and I briefly considered going that route but I decided I couldn't do a subject like that justice, since he's played as a joke in the actual series so... yeah. No. He's just kinda weird.**_

_**I have to mention a few scenes that got cut from this story alas because it just didn't fit in the end, but after Arnie told Helga he was over her she was going to come across a scarecrow on the farm that looked like her (with broomsticks for hair of course, if anyone remembers that Nicksclusive) and she would mistake it for a shrine he built to her. And later he'd reveal he made it because it effectively did scare crows... though a lot of birds kept crapping on it anyway... tee hee...**_

_**There was also going to be a sideplot with Brainy teaming up with Arnie, but Arnie's character ended up going another route so them stalking Helga and fighting over he was out.**_

_**And when the family left the fair the police were going to show up and arrest Miles because Grandpa reported the Packard stolen... because of that throwaway joke in chapter one where Miles implies they just took the Packard and left without asking Grandpa... **_


End file.
